Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
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I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge