Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
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Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?