Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
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“I will cook for you.” I threatened
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere