Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
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It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”