*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

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To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.


cop: there he is! get him!

‘you’ll never catch me! i’m translucent-man!’
*goes translucent*

cop: we can still kinda see you


BARISTA: I have a latte ready for “Give me all your money?”

ROBBER: Oh goodness, this is so embarrassing, I see there’s been some confusion


CAT VAMPIRE: let me in!
ME: ok
CAT VAMPIRE: you fool! now I will suck your bl-
ME: *closes door*
CAT VAMPIRE: let me out


ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?


Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”


Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.


The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.


3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard


My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”