*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
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my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Inside you there are two wolves
The second world war should have been called world war returns
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.