*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
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They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
ok this is my dumbest yet
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Don’t make me out nice you.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”