If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
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[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
you have three unread messages
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube