[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
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Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.