Mute the voices in your head by eating really crunchy food.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
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Turns out telling a friend “you’re giving off a weird vibe tonight” is not the most direct way to tell them they’re on fire
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
The government should pay for everyone to get massages on November 9th.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
There’s no recipe in this world that raisins can’t ruin.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6