[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
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My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
“Sheer Arrogance”
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?