@Tommytoughstuff

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

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@WheelTod

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

@envydatropic

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

@TheAlexNevil

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

@faulkingway

(Starbucks drive thru) Me: I’d like to pay-it-forward for the car behind me.
Barista: That will be $30
Me: How much for the car behind him?

@garrettbarry70

Imagine meeting the girl of your dreams and then finding out that she eats spaghetti with a knife.

@scottthetwat

The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement
won’t be able to sleep for a very long time.

@TheAlexNevil

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

@GrantTanaka

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy