[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
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i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?