Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
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i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
🤣😂
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”