“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
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Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Plant care tips
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
I falcon love using swear birds
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.