Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
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Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.