Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

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If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.


Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.


Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”


Why does everyone want me to come out of my comfort zone? I worked really hard to get there.


What a beautiful day! The sun’s shining, the birds are singing, the neighbor’s dog is taking a huge crap on my lawn…


Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.


Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.


5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though


Apparently trapping people in an elevator overnight (even if you have marsh mellows) not a good way to make friends, people are so sensitive