Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
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i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”