@secondofhername
[if Lois Lane was a witness]
Criminal: *puts on glasses*
Lois Lane: I’m sorry, I’ve never seen this man before.
@Demented_Jokes
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
You Might Also Like
@secondofhername
@TattleTSister
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
@iwearaonesie
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
@AmishPornStar1
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
@JediGigi
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
@WordsOfaHooker
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
@mayamanion
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
@TheCatWhisprer
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
@upsidedowntrash
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
@dugglebutt
“You should marry your best friend”
is good advice, but I think my best friend’s wife would be pretty upset