@BoomBoomBetty

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

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@AGreaterMonster

I’m doing interval training. It’s just that the intervals are very far apart.

@LostFelicia

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

@Brentweets

Shadow dancers begin making a mock hanging motion to Katy Perry’s singing

@UnFitz

Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.

@le_buns

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

@smiles_and_nods

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

@LizerReal

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

@minkpinkustink

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn