I’m doing interval training. It’s just that the intervals are very far apart.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.
My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
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My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Shadow dancers begin making a mock hanging motion to Katy Perry’s singing
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*
“how’s everything tasting folks”
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
What if this is just the practice pandemic?