Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
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Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Quadruple digit IQ
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God