[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
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There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
never deleting this app.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.