@AndrewsNotFunny

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

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@VodkaShorebird

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

@JJSummertime

I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

@PetrickSara

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

@PoliUncorrect

*Crime Scene

Cop: (cuffs the dog)

Detective: what the hell are you doing?

Cop: Sir, I think we’re dealing with a shapeshifter

@pinupteacher

Time out. Otters not only sleep holding hands, but have a SPECIAL POCKET to hold their favorite rock? Humans are bullshit.

@bartandsoul

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

@ZombieProblms

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

@AmericanGent69

Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.

@Darlainky

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.