[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

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I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!


I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.

*tosses another water balloon from my roof


Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up


There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”


“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”


*Crime Scene

Cop: (cuffs the dog)

Detective: what the hell are you doing?

Cop: Sir, I think we’re dealing with a shapeshifter


Time out. Otters not only sleep holding hands, but have a SPECIAL POCKET to hold their favorite rock? Humans are bullshit.


“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich


You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.


Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.


My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.