[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
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My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.