@kelllicopter

posted a picture of myself on my instagram story and my hairdresser responded and said “let’s do your hair soon” i’m so embarrassed

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@TwoSapphiresBlu

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

@whatmaddness

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

@KattsDogma

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

@johngcaldwell4

Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry
Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky
Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty?
W: Yes
Me: WOOHOO!

@MattMcElaney

10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.

@SvnSxty

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

@junejuly12

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

@AimeeHelene1

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.