posted a picture of myself on my instagram story and my hairdresser responded and said “let’s do your hair soon” i’m so embarrassed

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Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.


If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.


I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.


Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry
Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky
Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty?
W: Yes


10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.


Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too


Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.


To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.