I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
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Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?