*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
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If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Netflix and awkward silence?
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what