Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
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In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.