POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
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Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
concern
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold