@shkeeber

Potatoes are just poor defenseless vodka fetuses.

Remeber that the next time you eat a french fry or hash browns, you monsters.

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@AmishPornStar1

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

@hamersauce

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

@daemonic3

me: [using doggie poop bag at park]

stranger: nice to see some common courtesy here for once

me: yeah wouldn’t want anyone to step in it

stranger: what’s your dog’s name

me: dog?

@Smooheed

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

@see_more13

When I explained Twitter to my mother she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one’s getting better.” Well played, Mom. Well played.

@carboncaitlin

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

@astrobebs

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

@j4ckd1

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

@RunOldMan

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.