Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
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My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.