@TheWeirdWorld

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

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@birbigs

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

@miowoda

This is the funniest YouTube comment I’ve ever read.

@behindyourback

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

@jake_lach

“Yep, I’m going to jail.”

When a State Trooper takes the same exit off the highway*

@DanMentos

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

@jergarl

ALL OF THE ANIMALS ARE TALKING THIS IS THE BEST ACID EVER LOL

-Dr. Dolittle

@Poutymcgee

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YA!

*shakes Uncle Johns ashes in a gold plated ornate urn

@jonnysun

boss: do you know why i’ve called you in
me: yea, its because you wanted me to check your vibes
boss: no its very serious its because you– wait what are my vibes like
me: theyre vibin
boss: ok. anyway it says here you’ve been embezzling corporate funds