Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
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This is the funniest YouTube comment I’ve ever read.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
“Yep, I’m going to jail.”
When a State Trooper takes the same exit off the highway*
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
ALL OF THE ANIMALS ARE TALKING THIS IS THE BEST ACID EVER LOL
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YA!
*shakes Uncle Johns ashes in a gold plated ornate urn
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
boss: do you know why i’ve called you in
me: yea, its because you wanted me to check your vibes
boss: no its very serious its because you– wait what are my vibes like
me: theyre vibin
boss: ok. anyway it says here you’ve been embezzling corporate funds