[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
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[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
My wedding will be open casket.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Become ungovernable.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.