Just saw a dog with three legs. He did have a fourth leg, but he also had three legs.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
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A tree silently weeping as firemen steal its cat. Again!
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
8:00 am – Packs Lunch
9:00 am – Arrives at work
9:04 am – Eats Lunch
Wait. I’m not cool cuz I’m home on a weekend night? You mean my home I own? With no landlord, neighbors or…parents? Wow, I’m such a loser.
9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini?
Me: That is actually called a G-string, son.
9: Oh, does the “G” stand for gross?