[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
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CNN, 1939: Invading Poland made him sexy 😉
CNN, 1940: Hitler has developed a disturbing penchant for invasions
Date: I think I’ll have the chopped salad
Me [just took my first karate class]: just get a normal salad *points to hand* I’ll take care of the rest
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?