@Meet_Joe_Cool

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

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@asimplesean

Just saw a dog with three legs. He did have a fourth leg, but he also had three legs.

@Piecezilla

A tree silently weeping as firemen steal its cat. Again!

@TweetPotato314

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

@bornmiserable

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

@BlindChow

WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?

ME: u said to groom him

WIFE: i meant brush

ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off

DOG: this is bullshit

@david8hughes

Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it

@abuya_henry

8:00 am – Packs Lunch
9:00 am – Arrives at work
9:04 am – Eats Lunch

@iAmJuddy

Wait. I’m not cool cuz I’m home on a weekend night? You mean my home I own? With no landlord, neighbors or…parents? Wow, I’m such a loser.

@gwatts77

9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini?

Me: That is actually called a G-string, son.

9: Oh, does the “G” stand for gross?