@Meet_Joe_Cool

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

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@The_Albinoshrek

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

@InternetHippo

CNN, 1939: Invading Poland made him sexy 😉

CNN, 1940: Hitler has developed a disturbing penchant for invasions

@captainkalvis

Date: I think I’ll have the chopped salad

Me [just took my first karate class]: just get a normal salad *points to hand* I’ll take care of the rest

@ThugRaccoons

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

@markedly

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

@weinerdog4life

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

@Ghetto_Trophy

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

@SJSchauer

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

@anylaurie16

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

@thepaulahunt

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?