*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
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IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.