*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
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Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.