*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
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Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.