@squirrel74wkgn

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

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@ArfMeasures

My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.

@drinksmcgee

Say what you want about serial killers but you can’t argue with their work ethic.

@therealeatwood

ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes?

HER: What? No, I said asterisks.

ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!

@RocketRankoon

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

@captainkalvis

[my dog runs up to me, bone in his mouth]
you better stop bringing these back, we’ve got like 200 more to dispose of

@UncleDuke1969

“My God, George… your face!”
“Oh no…”
“What’s happening?!?”
“Is there a full moon tonight?”
“What are you talking a-“
“You have to get away from me.”
“I don’t understand!”
“JUST RUN HORACE… RUN!!”

@iwearaonesie

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

@ThisOneSayz

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”