*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

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My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.


Say what you want about serial killers but you can’t argue with their work ethic.


ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes?

HER: What? No, I said asterisks.

ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!


I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’


[my dog runs up to me, bone in his mouth]
you better stop bringing these back, we’ve got like 200 more to dispose of


“My God, George… your face!”
“Oh no…”
“What’s happening?!?”
“Is there a full moon tonight?”
“What are you talking a-“
“You have to get away from me.”
“I don’t understand!”


My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic


So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”