@_steamy_mac: Pour some sugar on me. More. Keep going. Okay, now bricks.
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@DirtMcTurd: *vows* Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
@MunkMania: My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was. So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
@trumpetcake: My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That's four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.