Pour some sugar on me. More. Keep going. Okay, now bricks.

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I’d get lost less frequently if GPS would say “no, your other left.”


Saturday in my 20’s: “Nice, this club is hot! gimme a Vodka tonic!”

Tonight: “Nice, grocery store is empty, ooh I got coupon for that !!”


[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”


There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.


Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.


I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.


Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes

Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom


[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face


[ISIS cuts off some dudes heads]
Whoa thats messed up you better quit it!
[ISIS breaks old rocks]