I’d get lost less frequently if GPS would say “no, your other left.”
Pour some sugar on me. More. Keep going. Okay, now bricks.
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Saturday in my 20’s: “Nice, this club is hot! gimme a Vodka tonic!”
Tonight: “Nice, grocery store is empty, ooh I got coupon for that !!”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can’t post anything on the internet or they’ll know I’m ignoring them.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[ISIS cuts off some dudes heads]
Whoa thats messed up you better quit it!
[ISIS breaks old rocks]
OKAY WE HAVE TO STOP THEM NOW.