I do have a swimmers body, he’s been in my trunk for days
Pour some sugar on me. More. Keep going. Okay, now bricks.
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Facebook asks what I’m thinking.
Twitter asks what I’m doing.
Google asks where I am.
The internet has turned into my girlfriend.
Today on Facebook:
1) Jen feels betrayed but doesn’t want to talk about it
2) Kim started a prayer circle
3) Lori posted 87 recipes
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.
*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I’ve finally reached the age where I can’t function without my glasses…especially if they’re empty.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.