“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
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[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.