waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
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I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
You can’t outrun your problems…
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?