*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

You Might Also Like


[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya


GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates


a bird doesnt sing becuase it has an answer. it sings becuase birds are jerks who like to hear the sound of their own voice


LOL at the neighbor kids who didn’t realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.


Me: Thank you!

Cashier: You have a good one!

Me: That’s the rumor!

Cashier: …


If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless


After shaking someone’s hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.


just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me


GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard


How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine


Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.