@MaryJustice86

*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.

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@QwertyJones3

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

@jonnysun

a bird doesnt sing becuase it has an answer. it sings becuase birds are jerks who like to hear the sound of their own voice

@AGreaterMonster

LOL at the neighbor kids who didn’t realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.

@BradBroaddus

Me: Thank you!

Cashier: You have a good one!

Me: That’s the rumor!

Cashier: …

@50FirstTates

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

@TheMichaelRock

After shaking someone’s hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.

@zipoffs

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

@panmidwest

GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you

ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!

GOD: what

ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard

@TheAlexNevil

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

@JohnLyonTweets

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.