“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
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a bird doesnt sing becuase it has an answer. it sings becuase birds are jerks who like to hear the sound of their own voice
LOL at the neighbor kids who didn’t realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.
Me: Thank you!
Cashier: You have a good one!
Me: That’s the rumor!
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
After shaking someone’s hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.