@ibid78

Pouring water on someone’s head to promote something is kinda weird. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go baptize some babies.

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@Ameiam

I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.

@DrakeGatsby

? THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

@Jamberee13

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

@SouthernStylin1

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

@LoveNLunchmeat

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

@GlennHowerton

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

@Darlainky

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

@Breadery

The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.

@humanaaron

[grocery store]

me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*

[kill bill sirens]