I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.
Pouring water on someone’s head to promote something is kinda weird. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go baptize some babies.
You Might Also Like
? THE CORONAVIRUS
-Alone time – Might die
-Can horde toilet
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]