TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
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God, I love Scotland
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Lmfao
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
My therapist after every session
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal