@Ameiam
I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.
@ibid78
Pouring water on someone’s head to promote something is kinda weird. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go baptize some babies.
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@Ameiam
@DrakeGatsby
? THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
@Jamberee13
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
@SouthernStylin1
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
@LoveNLunchmeat
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
@GlennHowerton
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
@Darlainky
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
@fuckmarrywill
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
@Breadery
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
@humanaaron
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]