THE SUN HASN’T RISEN IN SIX WEEKS AND THE ANIMALS ARE AGITATED. THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM JUST SAYS “THAT’S ALL FOLKS”
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
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doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
90% of the steps on my FiBit are just me wandering around looking for my keys
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
[First day at New Job]
New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know?
<Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>