*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
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Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”