*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
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[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
That stupid look on my face, is my face
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.