[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
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Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.