[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

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Me: I can’t come in today, too much snow

Boss: according to your FB page you’ve already started day drinking and are messaging me from inside an igloo you built

Me: that is correct

B: can I come hang?


cdc: don’t go out

me: ok

cdc: u can’t go to bars or clubs

me: no problem

cdc: [sweating] or restaurants

me: damn. drive-thru?

cdc: still open

me: this doesn’t affect me at all


ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hot air balloon do you?

ME: I do not.


I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning


Please do not wear flip flops if your feet look like you could sweep down & snatch your dinner while it’s still running through the forrest


“I don’t know where this rumor started, but Company and I are just good friends.” -Misery


You guys ever smear fake blood on your mouth, put on a ripped shirt, go in somewhere and pretend you got mugged? PEOPLE ARE SO NICE!


To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.


6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.