Me: I can’t come in today, too much snow
Boss: according to your FB page you’ve already started day drinking and are messaging me from inside an igloo you built
Me: that is correct
B: can I come hang?
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
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cdc: don’t go out
cdc: u can’t go to bars or clubs
me: no problem
cdc: [sweating] or restaurants
me: damn. drive-thru?
cdc: still open
me: this doesn’t affect me at all
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hot air balloon do you?
ME: I do not.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Please do not wear flip flops if your feet look like you could sweep down & snatch your dinner while it’s still running through the forrest
“I don’t know where this rumor started, but Company and I are just good friends.” -Misery
You guys ever smear fake blood on your mouth, put on a ripped shirt, go in somewhere and pretend you got mugged? PEOPLE ARE SO NICE!
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Google maps, but to help you get to the point
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.