*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
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Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
do u think theres a butter planet?
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.