Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
You Might Also Like
Really not sure why people tell me to “be honest” then get all upset when I tell them their eyebrows need a divorce.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.