*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
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what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Good news
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
when u come home smelling like another dog
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
live long and prosper!
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.