@FrogAvalanche

*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now

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@bonehugsnirony

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

@lilgapeach32

Really not sure why people tell me to “be honest” then get all upset when I tell them their eyebrows need a divorce.
*shrugs*

@roxiqt

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

@StarWarsProblms

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

@vineyille

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

@ShortSleeveSuit

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

@WICKEDTRUTH01

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

@GrowlyGrego

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

@Kimgee8

Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?

@juliussharpe

Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.