*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
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The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
6. me as a lawyer
Auto correct is my worst enema.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
The three genders
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees