I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
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When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!