I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
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I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.