Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.
*pours heart out*
Weigh me now
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Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace