*pours heart out*

Weigh me now

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Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.


Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son


FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind


As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.


“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”


“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists


Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]