*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
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I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
That eye roll….
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this