*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
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Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.