@RxitWounds

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

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@2tickytacky

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

@KKBowls

Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess

@Sanbel11

Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.

@AbbieEvansXO

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

@thequeensheart

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

@longwall26

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

@jshbck

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

@UnFitz

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

@Works4Shots

How to get mustard out of your white shirt..
1) go to a store
2) buy a new shirt