@RxitWounds

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

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@joanneraposo

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

@celestinelea90

*takes earrings out*
*takes bracelet off*
*slips out of shoes*
*tears off jeans, shirt, bra*
*shaves head*

Ok Doc you can weigh me now

@wendchymes

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

@Tommytoughstuff

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

@Carbosly

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

@TheMichaelRock

The average family income has gone up 2% while the cost of living has increased 23%.

– Me explaining to my son why he can’t have a sister.

@DrakeGatsby

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

@Thynebear

[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.