*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

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Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.


*takes earrings out*
*takes bracelet off*
*slips out of shoes*
*tears off jeans, shirt, bra*
*shaves head*

Ok Doc you can weigh me now


My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.


Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Cop: Aww.


Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?


Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.


The average family income has gone up 2% while the cost of living has increased 23%.

– Me explaining to my son why he can’t have a sister.


[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful


[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.