*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
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Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Yup….perfect score!
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.