how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
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4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
There are no pants in heaven.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.