*power walks to the refrigerator*
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“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
scenes of unspeakable carnage
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
yall want some gasoline milk
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open